


Remembering You

by WaitingForArthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Post-War, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-08 12:08:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1940508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaitingForArthur/pseuds/WaitingForArthur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The nightmares are tearing Arthur apart, but the thought of Merlin always brings him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering You

**Author's Note:**

> For the 2014 Merlin Arts Fest
> 
> Prompt: Every time they looked at their hands, they saw the same thing and thought the same thoughts. And it always brought them back.

It was always the nightmares.

They haunted him throughout the day.  He didn’t want to fall asleep.  He didn’t want to see the blood and tears.

Like clockwork, the dreams would come to him.  His heart would race, his skin would have rivulets of sweat dripping down him…and he would wake with a shout.

It shook him to his core, ripping him apart starting with memories and thoughts.  He would forget what it was like to have compassion, to hold someone when they cried.  He tried to remind himself, but after being deceived over and over…it was hard to remember who your friends were and who was the enemy.

Finally, at some point, it would probably control his actions.  It hasn’t gotten to that point yet.  He hasn’t lashed out; he hasn’t attacked in self-defense without meaning to, and thank the gods he didn’t, because he knew what he was capable of…

_Screaming…Help me! Please! Help!_

_I need a medic!_

_Ambush! It’s an ambush!_

_Get a chopper in here now!_

_He’s gone…leave him…he’s gone!_

Another sleepless night.

Another night that shattered Arthur’s life.

He sat up in bed, his knees to his chest, elbows resting on top of them, his head cradled in his hands.  He watched the tears fall to the white linen, staining them a light grey.

_Breathe Arthur, in and out. You’re not there anymore. You’re here, with Merlin, where you belong._

Arthur turned to rest his cheek in his palm and watched as Merlin rolled onto his stomach.  The blanket wrapped around his legs and torso, constricting his movement.  His face scrunched up in confusion for a moment before the muscles relaxed and his face fell into a peaceful slumber once again.

Why was it so hard to come back home?  All he wanted to do was be in this moment, curled up next to Merlin, run his fingers through his hair, laugh into his pillow as Merlin told a funny story, and hug him close.

But yet all he wanted to do now was get away.  Not because he didn’t want to see Merlin, but because he didn’t want to hurt him, to ruin his life.

_Arthur, you’re not ruining his life. He is so happy to have you home. Despite the long moments of silence you have, staring at nothing.  Despite the fact that you can’t sit with your back to the door or that you can’t stand too much noise, like that car that back fired the other day, almost sending you to the ground for cover…he loves you.  He loves you so much._

He slid his feet onto the floor and stared at the shadows the trees were casting on the carpet.  He had to come back.  He had to ground himself, if not for his own well-being, then for Merlin.

He breathed in.

He breathed out.

He closed his eyes.

He stifled the sobs.

He bit his lip and curled his fingers.  His nails dug into his palms and he felt the release.  Arthur uncurled his fingers and spread his hands, palms up in front of him.

There were scars and calluses and his fingers twitched with anticipation.  Waiting to radio in their location.  Waiting to reload a gun and pull the trigger.  Waiting to take another life.

He let his hands rest on his knees, the palms still facing up, but his fingers more lax and curled.  Again he closed his eyes and tried to focus on one thing.

His dark hair between Arthur’s fingers as he playfully ruffled it.

His blue eyes, bright with laughter.

The way they crinkled in the corners when he smiled.

His silly ears and how they would get red whenever he was embarrassed.

His lips, pink and plump and pressing kisses all over him.

His arms wrapped around him, keeping him warm and enclosing him in a blanket of affection.

Arthur smiled; his thoughts were so vivid they were almost real.  He could feel Merlin touching him and holding him and—

“Arthur?”

His eyes flicked opened and he tried to roll back onto the bed, not wanting to be caught in his odd meditative state, but Merlin was right behind him, his chest pressed to Arthur’s back.

“Hey…” Arthur whispered.

Merlin placed his chin on Arthur’s shoulder, “What are you doing?”

“Uh—“ he took a deep breath and leaned his head against Merlin’s, “Remembering.”

“Remembering what?”

“You.” Arthur’s fingers flexed and his voice cracked.  He waited for Merlin to say something, but he didn’t.  He just wrapped his arms tighter around Arthur’s chest and kissed his shoulder. So Arthur went on, “Whenever I was scared or alone or just not feeling myself I would…do this, thing, where I’d pretend you were there, not with the war going on around us, but just there…with me.  All I would have to do is look at my hands and imagine you holding them or tickling the palms like you do whenever we’re watching a movie.  Or the feeling of your thumb rubbing the skin lightly as he walk down the street.  I would imagine you sitting here back home, doing the same. Remembering me, whatever it is about me you liked to recall.”

Arthur stopped to catch his breath and collect his thoughts, because telling Merlin this was like bringing him to the war, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.  He didn’t want to scare Merlin into thinking he had lost his mind, but of course, this is Merlin we’re talking about.  Merlin, the man who understood you more than you understood yourself.

Without saying anything, Merlin let his hands fall to Arthur’s.  He mimicked Arthur’s hands, keeping the palms up and it was as if Arthur was watching his thoughts play out in real life.  All those nights he imagined Merlin’s hands in his, imagined being home with him…and here Merlin was, reading Arthur’s mind showing him it was okay, and he really was home.

“Like this?” Merlin asked.

Arthur nodded, “Exactly like that.”  He felt Merlin turn his head to the side like a curious puppy.  He picked his hands up, examined Arthur’s, then placed his hands back.

“They kind of fit together perfectly, huh?”

Arthur chuckled, “I guess…”

Merlin picked them up and put them down again, “Not too different from each other…I think your fingers are shorter though, but your large palms make up for that.”

“All the better to grab that large ass of yours.”

Merlin gasped, “My ass is not _large_. I worked hard to tone it for you.” He turned and gave Arthur a peck on the cheek, “What I’m trying to say, _clotpole_ , is that despite the scars, they’re still the same hands that hold mine.  They’re still the hands that mess up my hair on a daily basis,” Merlin continued in a soft whisper, his hands turning over to tickle Arthur’s palms, “They’re still the hands that hold me and caress me.  They’re still my hands, and my hands are still yours.  No distance or life altering event can change that.” Merlin laced his fingers through Arthur’s and he brought them up, crossing them in front of Arthur’s chest, hugging him tightly.

Arthur closed his eyes and leaned back into Merlin’s chest, keeping this moment forever in his memories.

“I know I can’t stop the nightmares.  I know I can’t make you forget everything you saw or did, but I can be the Merlin that you wanted to come home to.  The Merlin that loves you.”

Of all the scenarios Arthur had played in his head of what it would be like to come home to Merlin.  All the dates they would go on.  All the laughter and smiles they’d share. All the hot, sweaty sex they would have.  The words that Merlin spoke, the support he had for Arthur, always surprised him and caught him off guard.  He couldn’t put into words how much he loved Merlin, how grateful he was for him.

Arthur turned to face Merlin and wrapped his arms around him, letting the silent tears fall onto his shirt. “Thank you, Merlin, for everything.”

Merlin squeezed him tight and pulled him down onto the cool sheets.  With his arms wrapped around him and their legs tangled together, Merlin placed soft kisses to Arthur’s brow, “I’m always here for you Arthur. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> (I think I'll be sticking with the post-war thing for this fest...it's kind of interesting to write! We shall see...)


End file.
